i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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