OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
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Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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