Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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