last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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