cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
