When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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