Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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