So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
