Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
