Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
