I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
