I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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