in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
