Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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