why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
singing on the bus should be illegal
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.