She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.