Texts From Last Night

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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.

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  (416): Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her. http://tfl.nu/nm33
  Replies (10) Good night (1086) Bad night (3137)
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.

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  (561): Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons. http://tfl.nu/mi7s
  Replies (12) Good night (5820) Bad night (645)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?

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  (708): I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer? http://tfl.nu/8pri
  Replies (9) Good night (940) Bad night (1986)
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  (562): View more from California

  He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.

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  (562): He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break. http://tfl.nu/ad1k
  Replies (16) Good night (2403) Bad night (740)
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  (714): View more from California

  I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

  (949): View more from California

  Midgetier?

  (714): View more from California

  Smaller, yet meaner.

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  (714): I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic? (949): Midgetier? (714): Smaller, yet meaner. http://tfl.nu/nr7w
  Replies (12) Good night (4082) Bad night (902)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.

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  (928): I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready. http://tfl.nu/c6az
  Replies (19) Good night (2306) Bad night (768)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!

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  (770): She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?! http://tfl.nu/j94r
  Replies (18) Good night (563) Bad night (2061)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.

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  (720): We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that. http://tfl.nu/jp9a
  Replies (5) Good night (1165) Bad night (471)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!

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  (479): That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?! http://tfl.nu/832w
  Replies (2) Good night (794) Bad night (737)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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  (334): We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!" http://tfl.nu/8nad
  Replies (4) Good night (1617) Bad night (633)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost

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  (613): but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost http://tfl.nu/7k22
  Replies (2) Good night (486) Bad night (1083)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.

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  (609): I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth. http://tfl.nu/4sxy
  Replies (0) Good night (723) Bad night (300)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.

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  (832): Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs. http://tfl.nu/d8k3
  Replies (0) Good night (983) Bad night (379)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about

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  (781): I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about http://tfl.nu/ocbn
  Replies (4) Good night (457) Bad night (688)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"

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  (443): You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty" http://tfl.nu/zep8
  Replies (1) Good night (534) Bad night (209)

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