i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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