Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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