dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
