I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I am one with the molecules
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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