there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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