Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm too high and old for this...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
