Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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