Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
