FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
