I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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