I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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