Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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