yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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