I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
