A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
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My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
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I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think weed is turning my hair brown
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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