Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
