the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
