Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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