Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
