11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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