bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
