I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
