I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
