i can't believe i had my finger in that
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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