Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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