Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
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Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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