Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize