Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
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It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
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Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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