I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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