not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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