Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
