She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
