I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
