A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
