I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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