I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
