...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I need to calm my uterus...
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