You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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