I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
